Find a job in the business!
When I look at it, it only seems natural. I love this world. I mean it. It's not just a crush, I really love this world. I even love the uglyness that comes with it. As you will be reading along the line, you'll see what kind of adventure and exhaustion I'm willing to go through to be part of (just a fragment of) it. I dare not to think about the day when I'll come to realize I'm getting too old for this.
The way I see it there's only one option: I have to find a way to get into this business. As Blondie immortalized the words: One way or another!
Thursday 29 July 2010
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Post-Paris(2): Don't steal my heart babe, I know you have the keys...
The concert had come to an end and people headed outside. After a little freshening-up in the ladies room I followed their example. I was leaning against the building and lit a cigarette while I watched people converse in a language I barely understood. Soon L and S turned up and joined me for a drink and a chat. A few other women -who had clearly past the age of thirty- joined in on the conversation as well. Lots of chit-chat followed, basically all about nothing. The cute keyboard player, V, was there as well but as he was pretty held on to by those women I barely spoke to him. The women seemed happy to be out and having a blast with the band. They behaved almost like teenagers midst-puberty. The security guards eventually interrupted all of the chit-chat as they were trying to close up the venue while kicking out what was left of the crowd...
L and the others invited all of us backstage where we could all continue our conversational drinks without any interruption. The place resembled an old wine cellar, underground and characterized by walls of large medieval-looking stones. The feeling of antiquity was more or less shattered by the presence of three ordinary white tables with matching benches, which reminded me of the ones in my high school cafeteria. The guys gladly pointed out the huge refrigerator which was filled with beer, a few vodka bottles, more liquor and some orange juice. Not necessarily in the same quantities... I sat down at one of the tables together with two rather shy girls, L, and the 'Roadie of the Day'. It seemed that this young German lad had won some kind of contest and was rewarded with the honour of joining the band for a couple days on the road and working rather hard... The atmosphere in the backstage was soothing and I was feeling manic again. I gladly mixed myself and the two girls in my company some vodka cocktails. Although they were about my age they came across very green. Whilst I kept a conversation going with them I could feel L's eyes on me, as he was amazed by my spontaneous behaviour towards the girls. L had been aware of my contradiction concerning girls: the lack of girlfriends and skill to approach them on one hand but the desire to be able to be more intimate with them on the other. I ended up giving one of the girls relationship 'advice' while teaming up with L, but soon the girls had to leave. After their departure L said he had never seen me like this before, so spontaneous and chatty. My confidence was indeed at a particularly high level...
I was feeling completely at ease, being flirtatious with L but at the same time keeping my calm and playing a bit 'hard to get'. At one point I left him almost alone at the table and joined V's, just like that. Me and V had subtly been exchanging looks throughout the evening and when I noticed he was actually suffering from the pubertal attention of the slightly elder women I planted myself right next to him. I could sense he was glad he had someone else to talk to for a change and I saw him subtly turning away from the rest of the company. The next ten minutes we talked and laughed about many silly things and we got along extremely well without any effort. And then he asked me a question that has been worn out by many musicians before: "Would you help me carry some things to the bus?".
He handed me a small, practically weightless, plastic bag and we headed outside. Unfortunately, after only being in the lounge for a mere five minutes, there were people coming on the bus informing us they were getting ready to hit the road. Soon everyone got on the bus. L and V got comfy in their bunks, one on each side of the bus. I was hanging in the middle together with the Roadie of the Day while sipping what was left of the cocktail I had brought on board. The four of us just hung out there for a bit until L suddenly remarked I might as well join V in his bunk... "Yeah, why not? There's room enough for the both of us..." V responded with a friendly smile. And so I crawled in...
We closed the small yellow curtains which were the only thing giving us some privacy. It was the first time I actually lay in such a bunk and it was exactly as I imagined it would be: small. Of course this only encouraged us to get close to each other. As it was almost pitch black in the tiny cabin our lips searched for each other. The darkness only enhanced the intenseness of the act. Though I couldn't see him I could feel his warm breath on me as he made passionate love to me. This was exactly how it felt, like real passionate love-making... It was exciting yet gentle and slow, and almost as if it were very meaningful. I can really only describe him as a gentle lover, delivering a perfect balance between tense nervousness and downright passion. Being totally focused on what was happening on our side of those tiny curtains I almost forgot the people on the other side... I was quickly reminded of this when V was groping outside his bunk in search for a condom. "What do you need man?" L said, and he handed V his little red handbag. As I enjoyed V's passion so badly I couldn't help it making some noise from time to time. Meanwhile L and the ROTD had heard everything and at one point L said something to him like: "I bet you have never experienced such a thing before..." I couldn't agree more...
Though the environment wasn't really suitable for it we went through the whole process, all but rushed and completed by the afterglow. Afterwards we got our clothes back on, opened the curtains and continued the mingling with the others, almost like nothing had happened. I was happy to see that S had joined L and the ROTD and he invited me in his bunk for some beer and music. I basically crawled from one bunk into the other... S is the one you can always have fun with, he's practically always making funny remarks and he's usually wasted. I called his one the 'party-bunk' as it differed from the others by the bottles of beer that were stashed under his pillow. We actually ended up having a really good talk but in the end he still tried to have his way with me as well... This felt like more than I could handle and I realized I longed for V's bunk again so I crawled out and got back in there with V. "You haven't done anything with S, have you?" he asked me. I was glad I could say no and I could lay in his strong arms again and feel his soft lips on mine...
As I drifted away to 'Never Never Land' suddenly the engine of the bus started and I was wide awake. We jumped out of the bunk and V helped me get all of my stuff. He escorted me outside and gave me one last passionate goodnight kiss. I was waiting for the gates to open so that I could commence the cold and lonely journey back to the station when S, the tour manager and the main roadie came out. While keeping me company for a couple more minutes they tried to convince me to get back on the bus and train back home in the morning. S promised that he would take care of my train ticket. The bus was now leaving for real and after a lot of pulling back and forth I seized the day -or rather night- and gave in! I joined them in the front of the bus for another drink and as I felt the bus moving I said "I can't believe I'm doing this!". I had rarely felt this excited. I didn't really have a clue of where they were heading other than some other place in Germany, but I believed S when he told me not to worry. When I asked them how V would feel about this the tour manager said to me I had to do this for myself and not V.
As he had already gone to bed anyway and I shouldn't stay for him -sigh- I spent the night in S's bunk. Although I thought I had made it clear to him that there wasn't going to happen anything I had to slap his hand several times when he tried some stuff on me. After about ten minutes he gave up and soon he fell asleep. Being far too excited I couldn't get to sleep at all. The bus was very hot and the bunk was too small not to lay against each other. After hours of lying awake the bus finally stopped and I could hear some movement. I decided to get up as well and when I looked through the windows downstairs I figured that it was early morning. To my surprise we weren't at the venue yet. Instead we had stopped at some gas station somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It turned out we still had some more hours of driving ahead and I wondered how and when I was ever going to get back home again...
L was the one that had gotten up and I joined him for some orange juice. Like V he had already gone to bed when I got back on the bus before so he was quite surprised to see me. He said I had chosen the worst bunk to sleep in and I couldn't agree with him more -during the last hour S had started coughing a lot too... L recommended getting in V's bunk again. "He won't mind", he said, and so I went to V's bunk and asked if I could get in with him. He was of course confused at first but he really didn't mind having me in there again. I was so happy to lie in a comfortable bunk and with V's strong arms wrapped safely around me I finally fell asleep...
L and the others invited all of us backstage where we could all continue our conversational drinks without any interruption. The place resembled an old wine cellar, underground and characterized by walls of large medieval-looking stones. The feeling of antiquity was more or less shattered by the presence of three ordinary white tables with matching benches, which reminded me of the ones in my high school cafeteria. The guys gladly pointed out the huge refrigerator which was filled with beer, a few vodka bottles, more liquor and some orange juice. Not necessarily in the same quantities... I sat down at one of the tables together with two rather shy girls, L, and the 'Roadie of the Day'. It seemed that this young German lad had won some kind of contest and was rewarded with the honour of joining the band for a couple days on the road and working rather hard... The atmosphere in the backstage was soothing and I was feeling manic again. I gladly mixed myself and the two girls in my company some vodka cocktails. Although they were about my age they came across very green. Whilst I kept a conversation going with them I could feel L's eyes on me, as he was amazed by my spontaneous behaviour towards the girls. L had been aware of my contradiction concerning girls: the lack of girlfriends and skill to approach them on one hand but the desire to be able to be more intimate with them on the other. I ended up giving one of the girls relationship 'advice' while teaming up with L, but soon the girls had to leave. After their departure L said he had never seen me like this before, so spontaneous and chatty. My confidence was indeed at a particularly high level...
I was feeling completely at ease, being flirtatious with L but at the same time keeping my calm and playing a bit 'hard to get'. At one point I left him almost alone at the table and joined V's, just like that. Me and V had subtly been exchanging looks throughout the evening and when I noticed he was actually suffering from the pubertal attention of the slightly elder women I planted myself right next to him. I could sense he was glad he had someone else to talk to for a change and I saw him subtly turning away from the rest of the company. The next ten minutes we talked and laughed about many silly things and we got along extremely well without any effort. And then he asked me a question that has been worn out by many musicians before: "Would you help me carry some things to the bus?".
He handed me a small, practically weightless, plastic bag and we headed outside. Unfortunately, after only being in the lounge for a mere five minutes, there were people coming on the bus informing us they were getting ready to hit the road. Soon everyone got on the bus. L and V got comfy in their bunks, one on each side of the bus. I was hanging in the middle together with the Roadie of the Day while sipping what was left of the cocktail I had brought on board. The four of us just hung out there for a bit until L suddenly remarked I might as well join V in his bunk... "Yeah, why not? There's room enough for the both of us..." V responded with a friendly smile. And so I crawled in...
We closed the small yellow curtains which were the only thing giving us some privacy. It was the first time I actually lay in such a bunk and it was exactly as I imagined it would be: small. Of course this only encouraged us to get close to each other. As it was almost pitch black in the tiny cabin our lips searched for each other. The darkness only enhanced the intenseness of the act. Though I couldn't see him I could feel his warm breath on me as he made passionate love to me. This was exactly how it felt, like real passionate love-making... It was exciting yet gentle and slow, and almost as if it were very meaningful. I can really only describe him as a gentle lover, delivering a perfect balance between tense nervousness and downright passion. Being totally focused on what was happening on our side of those tiny curtains I almost forgot the people on the other side... I was quickly reminded of this when V was groping outside his bunk in search for a condom. "What do you need man?" L said, and he handed V his little red handbag. As I enjoyed V's passion so badly I couldn't help it making some noise from time to time. Meanwhile L and the ROTD had heard everything and at one point L said something to him like: "I bet you have never experienced such a thing before..." I couldn't agree more...
Though the environment wasn't really suitable for it we went through the whole process, all but rushed and completed by the afterglow. Afterwards we got our clothes back on, opened the curtains and continued the mingling with the others, almost like nothing had happened. I was happy to see that S had joined L and the ROTD and he invited me in his bunk for some beer and music. I basically crawled from one bunk into the other... S is the one you can always have fun with, he's practically always making funny remarks and he's usually wasted. I called his one the 'party-bunk' as it differed from the others by the bottles of beer that were stashed under his pillow. We actually ended up having a really good talk but in the end he still tried to have his way with me as well... This felt like more than I could handle and I realized I longed for V's bunk again so I crawled out and got back in there with V. "You haven't done anything with S, have you?" he asked me. I was glad I could say no and I could lay in his strong arms again and feel his soft lips on mine...
As I drifted away to 'Never Never Land' suddenly the engine of the bus started and I was wide awake. We jumped out of the bunk and V helped me get all of my stuff. He escorted me outside and gave me one last passionate goodnight kiss. I was waiting for the gates to open so that I could commence the cold and lonely journey back to the station when S, the tour manager and the main roadie came out. While keeping me company for a couple more minutes they tried to convince me to get back on the bus and train back home in the morning. S promised that he would take care of my train ticket. The bus was now leaving for real and after a lot of pulling back and forth I seized the day -or rather night- and gave in! I joined them in the front of the bus for another drink and as I felt the bus moving I said "I can't believe I'm doing this!". I had rarely felt this excited. I didn't really have a clue of where they were heading other than some other place in Germany, but I believed S when he told me not to worry. When I asked them how V would feel about this the tour manager said to me I had to do this for myself and not V.
As he had already gone to bed anyway and I shouldn't stay for him -sigh- I spent the night in S's bunk. Although I thought I had made it clear to him that there wasn't going to happen anything I had to slap his hand several times when he tried some stuff on me. After about ten minutes he gave up and soon he fell asleep. Being far too excited I couldn't get to sleep at all. The bus was very hot and the bunk was too small not to lay against each other. After hours of lying awake the bus finally stopped and I could hear some movement. I decided to get up as well and when I looked through the windows downstairs I figured that it was early morning. To my surprise we weren't at the venue yet. Instead we had stopped at some gas station somewhere in the middle of nowhere. It turned out we still had some more hours of driving ahead and I wondered how and when I was ever going to get back home again...
L was the one that had gotten up and I joined him for some orange juice. Like V he had already gone to bed when I got back on the bus before so he was quite surprised to see me. He said I had chosen the worst bunk to sleep in and I couldn't agree with him more -during the last hour S had started coughing a lot too... L recommended getting in V's bunk again. "He won't mind", he said, and so I went to V's bunk and asked if I could get in with him. He was of course confused at first but he really didn't mind having me in there again. I was so happy to lie in a comfortable bunk and with V's strong arms wrapped safely around me I finally fell asleep...
Sunday 6 June 2010
I guess you know you're a groupie when...
You usually go to several shows of the same tour and travelling abroad ain't gonna stop you.
When going to a concert you're the first one to arrive and last to leave.
You go to a concert with the prospect of scoring one of the band members.
You feel so at home in a backstage, the first thing you do when walking in is grabbing yourself a beer.
You have a 'trophy' necklace hanging around your neck, consisting of guitar picks.
You have a MySpace profile only to maintain contact with certain artists.
You go to a concert alone because your friends ARE the band.
You always go first-row and stage-flirting isn't new to you.
You schedule your period on the basis of certain concert dates.
"Almost Famous" is one of your all-time favourite movies.
You're watching a guitar solo together with friends and suddenly realize you're moaning out loud.
There's an "It's OK, I'm with the band" t-shirt hanging on your wall, signed by Pamela Des Barres and "I'm With the Band" is on your night stand.
You've started to keep a list of the musicians you've slept with.
You've seen the inside of a tourbus and you know what its like to (try to) sleep on one.
You've pre-ordered the book "Sex tips from rockstars".
You sometimes prefer concert videos over HQ porn.
...
When going to a concert you're the first one to arrive and last to leave.
You go to a concert with the prospect of scoring one of the band members.
You feel so at home in a backstage, the first thing you do when walking in is grabbing yourself a beer.
You have a 'trophy' necklace hanging around your neck, consisting of guitar picks.
You have a MySpace profile only to maintain contact with certain artists.
You go to a concert alone because your friends ARE the band.
You always go first-row and stage-flirting isn't new to you.
You schedule your period on the basis of certain concert dates.
"Almost Famous" is one of your all-time favourite movies.
You're watching a guitar solo together with friends and suddenly realize you're moaning out loud.
There's an "It's OK, I'm with the band" t-shirt hanging on your wall, signed by Pamela Des Barres and "I'm With the Band" is on your night stand.
You've started to keep a list of the musicians you've slept with.
You've seen the inside of a tourbus and you know what its like to (try to) sleep on one.
You've pre-ordered the book "Sex tips from rockstars".
You sometimes prefer concert videos over HQ porn.
...
Tuesday 1 June 2010
Post-Paris(1): discovering stage-flirting
After my adventure in Paris I kept in touch with L. Neither of us made a big deal out of what had happened and I continued my summer doing a number of other crazy things. After all I was a single girl again after what had felt like several long years. Plus, I had just graduated so there's no need to tell you that that summer was like a revelation to me.
Together with the end of a beautiful summer a whole new life was about to begin for me. I started studying at university and living on my own. This was the moment I had been dreaming of since...well since before I even hit puberty. I have to admit it didn't even took one month before I got involved with someone again. But this time it would be different. We started off as friends with benefits and we both treasured our freedom. After a while we couldn't ignore the fact that we became more than just friends. But still we didn't want the relationship to limit our personal aspirations and development as such, so we decided that a sort of open relationship would be more our thing. When L's band was back on tour in Europe this would mean I'd have the freedom to go and do my thing. Blessed me.
The first time I saw him again was at a show on the other side of the country. I went alone and enjoyed the solitude which accompanied the train ride. When arriving at the venue I texted L to inform him I was there. After proudly saying my name to the guy managing the guestlist I started my search for a friendly ride home. When that was taken care of I got a text back from L, saying that he had just finished his dinner and we could meet up at the bus. We did a bit of catching up but I wanted to see some of the support act so he escorted me to the backstage, hung a backstage pass around my neck and showed me the way to the concert hall. I bumped into the other guitarist who seemed happy to see me - I was happy he even recognised me in the first place. He gave me a beer and we watched the rest of the support act together.
When S left to get ready I made my way to the front of the stage. I actually didn't like the beer much so I gave it to some guy who was very happy to receive a beer I got from S. Some more surrounding people asked about how I knew the band and I proudly showed my AAA-pass. The band put on a pretty good show and once again I enjoyed the eye contact with L and S. This resulted in even more -and slightly jealous- reactions from the people around me, which may have made me feel too good for my own good... But there was something different this time... For the first time I noticed the keyboard player -who had always been kind of stuck in the back. He was actually really cute and my eyes were drawn to this energetic musician.
After the concert I talked to L for a few minutes but then I left him with some fans. I saw the cute keyboard player sitting alone by the stage so I got up to him and introduced myself. We had a short talk and I found out he really was a nice guy. Unfortunately the ride I fixed earlier was about to leave so I had to say goodbye to the guys. As I was walking away L suddenly pulled me back and gave me one last hug while saying it was a shame I had to leave so quickly -Aaahh! How I wished I could've stayed longer!
... A few months later ...
I was at the same festival where I had caught the guitar pick three years earlier. Only this time I was on the guestlist ánd had access to the VIP area. It seemed like a lot had happened during those three years... I managed to get on the first row again when L's band performed and I had such an amazing time! My eye-contact had switched an enormous amount from L to V -the keyboard player. There was a lot of "stage-flirting" going on between the two of us throughout the entire show though I don't think he remembered me from the last time we met. (I guess I started to use the term stage-flirting from then on -oh, and yes I'd like that patented please.) I caught his attention and flirty, naughty looks were exchanged throughout the show. When they finished and came to the front of the stage to take a communal bow he signed to me I could meet him right after. But there was no clear way to the backstage and L didn't answer his cell phone. This really bummed me out, so I kept an eye out for both of them and went to look for them in the VIP-lounge. Unfortunately I only found the bassist who didn't know where the others were. Eventually I gave up and -again- tried to enjoy the rest of the festival with a feeling of disappointment floating in the background.
... several months went by ...
One day L started chatting with me and the longing for another show started to take over again. The band was touring around the rest of Europe and I checked for a doable venue and date -without much success 'cause I didn't have lots of money to spend on a trip. A few days went by and I had sort of given up when I stumbled on a cheap ticket to Cologne where they would be playing the very next day. The all-time impulsive me decided to skip work, skip classes and just GO! I even had to borrow money from one of my housemates to be able to pay for the train ticket.
Less than 12hrs later I was on my way! I felt so free, almost manic and I set my clock to Rock 'n' Roll-time! After having practically force-fed myself out of nervousness at Burger King I walked the streets of Cologne. I passed a funfair on the way to the venue and thought to myself "Maybe I could stay with these people for the night..." I didn't text L when I got there, instead I went straight to the stage to make sure I had the best spot. Well...that and the fact that this time we would have plenty of time to catch up afterwards! Plus, ever since my eye had caught V my interest in L had vastly decreased... As I was surrounded by some sixteen-year-olds who were trying to -far too obviously- catch every bandmember's attention, including V's, I thought I'd better focus on enjoying the concert and leave the 'mingling' for later.
After all, when I want something I'll make sure I get it, you just wait and see...
Together with the end of a beautiful summer a whole new life was about to begin for me. I started studying at university and living on my own. This was the moment I had been dreaming of since...well since before I even hit puberty. I have to admit it didn't even took one month before I got involved with someone again. But this time it would be different. We started off as friends with benefits and we both treasured our freedom. After a while we couldn't ignore the fact that we became more than just friends. But still we didn't want the relationship to limit our personal aspirations and development as such, so we decided that a sort of open relationship would be more our thing. When L's band was back on tour in Europe this would mean I'd have the freedom to go and do my thing. Blessed me.
The first time I saw him again was at a show on the other side of the country. I went alone and enjoyed the solitude which accompanied the train ride. When arriving at the venue I texted L to inform him I was there. After proudly saying my name to the guy managing the guestlist I started my search for a friendly ride home. When that was taken care of I got a text back from L, saying that he had just finished his dinner and we could meet up at the bus. We did a bit of catching up but I wanted to see some of the support act so he escorted me to the backstage, hung a backstage pass around my neck and showed me the way to the concert hall. I bumped into the other guitarist who seemed happy to see me - I was happy he even recognised me in the first place. He gave me a beer and we watched the rest of the support act together.
When S left to get ready I made my way to the front of the stage. I actually didn't like the beer much so I gave it to some guy who was very happy to receive a beer I got from S. Some more surrounding people asked about how I knew the band and I proudly showed my AAA-pass. The band put on a pretty good show and once again I enjoyed the eye contact with L and S. This resulted in even more -and slightly jealous- reactions from the people around me, which may have made me feel too good for my own good... But there was something different this time... For the first time I noticed the keyboard player -who had always been kind of stuck in the back. He was actually really cute and my eyes were drawn to this energetic musician.
After the concert I talked to L for a few minutes but then I left him with some fans. I saw the cute keyboard player sitting alone by the stage so I got up to him and introduced myself. We had a short talk and I found out he really was a nice guy. Unfortunately the ride I fixed earlier was about to leave so I had to say goodbye to the guys. As I was walking away L suddenly pulled me back and gave me one last hug while saying it was a shame I had to leave so quickly -Aaahh! How I wished I could've stayed longer!
... A few months later ...
I was at the same festival where I had caught the guitar pick three years earlier. Only this time I was on the guestlist ánd had access to the VIP area. It seemed like a lot had happened during those three years... I managed to get on the first row again when L's band performed and I had such an amazing time! My eye-contact had switched an enormous amount from L to V -the keyboard player. There was a lot of "stage-flirting" going on between the two of us throughout the entire show though I don't think he remembered me from the last time we met. (I guess I started to use the term stage-flirting from then on -oh, and yes I'd like that patented please.) I caught his attention and flirty, naughty looks were exchanged throughout the show. When they finished and came to the front of the stage to take a communal bow he signed to me I could meet him right after. But there was no clear way to the backstage and L didn't answer his cell phone. This really bummed me out, so I kept an eye out for both of them and went to look for them in the VIP-lounge. Unfortunately I only found the bassist who didn't know where the others were. Eventually I gave up and -again- tried to enjoy the rest of the festival with a feeling of disappointment floating in the background.
... several months went by ...
One day L started chatting with me and the longing for another show started to take over again. The band was touring around the rest of Europe and I checked for a doable venue and date -without much success 'cause I didn't have lots of money to spend on a trip. A few days went by and I had sort of given up when I stumbled on a cheap ticket to Cologne where they would be playing the very next day. The all-time impulsive me decided to skip work, skip classes and just GO! I even had to borrow money from one of my housemates to be able to pay for the train ticket.
Less than 12hrs later I was on my way! I felt so free, almost manic and I set my clock to Rock 'n' Roll-time! After having practically force-fed myself out of nervousness at Burger King I walked the streets of Cologne. I passed a funfair on the way to the venue and thought to myself "Maybe I could stay with these people for the night..." I didn't text L when I got there, instead I went straight to the stage to make sure I had the best spot. Well...that and the fact that this time we would have plenty of time to catch up afterwards! Plus, ever since my eye had caught V my interest in L had vastly decreased... As I was surrounded by some sixteen-year-olds who were trying to -far too obviously- catch every bandmember's attention, including V's, I thought I'd better focus on enjoying the concert and leave the 'mingling' for later.
After all, when I want something I'll make sure I get it, you just wait and see...
Friday 7 May 2010
The Looking-Glass-Self
There's so much happening with so many people in my life I hardly have the time to stand back and think about what is actually going on. I used to be so caught up with one particular person for such a long period of time. I would think about this person all day, look at a single picture and make myself fall in love with it. I've always been this addicted to love -or being in love to be more correct. It's like a drug... Feeling those butterflies... And when that would finally get to an end or my heart got broken, someone else would come into my life. Just another person to 'fall in love' with again. A "self-induced amouresness" if you will.
I remember being in my last year of primary school -I was about eleven years old- when I chose a boy from my class to be with. They were always ignorant of this of course but I pretty much just chose a victim. Little did I know I had picked an extremely smart and sweet boy who decided to devote his life to me. When I ended it after eight months he was devastated. It seemed to take ages before he got over it. I felt terrible but I couldn't help it, my love for him -if you can call it that- was over and I felt the need for a new special person.
Now that I'm all grown up and I've learned how to play the game I'm afraid things might've gotten a bit out of control. The thing is, from the moment I hit puberty and changed my childish thoughts about love into a real attention for the opposite sex, I immediately wanted the unreachable. I didn't care about the boys in my class anymore and started to chase the older guys in school. But when I noticed the age difference was simply too obvious at school and scared these guys away I decided to change the scenery. I started to go for the oldest guys in my local youth movement and after that in the youth club, where I was the youngest visitor at the time. Because I was a little more mature and hung out with much older guys than my girlfriends I became a lot more self-assured. At the age of thirteen I already dared to flirt with guys who were about as old as I am now. I just had to make sure they got to know me before they got to know my age. Get them on the hook, so to speak.
But still, I was a very young and fragile girl and at times my "self-induced amorousness" tended towards fatality. One time I met one of my brother's best friends. We started off chatting online and after about a month I got to meet him in person at some book convention. After our encounter I got even more crazy about him and he filled my head with thoughts and dreams. But we lived pretty far from each other and our attempt to go on a date failed. And then he got together with his best friend... This time Í was the one who was devastated. I had only met him once and in the meantime I had idealized this person and my possible future with him so badly that I ended up being depressed for six months. That experience made me discover the undeniable flaw in my method. Making yourself desperately fall in love with someone is one thing, but once you've dropped the trip there's no turning back...
Despite that one big flaw I kept 'using'. I always reached for the unreachable, the guys of whom I knéw I wanted them but couldn't really have them. It was always a game I had to play, a real struggle to get to the cherry on top of the cake. I've come a long way since then, and year by year the struggle got less of a struggle. What was once a challenging game has become more of a habit. After a while I became more interested in the relationships than the chase. I stayed with a few boyfriends and years went by without even noticing it. And then suddenly I was single again. And after being trapped for years I was dying to get back in the game I used to love so much! But everyone knows what happens when you're really hungry...
You overeat.
Here I am. Laying naked on my bed. Mr. X just left. Games have been played.
Was it hard? -The game? no.
Was it fun? -Sure it was...
But my mind doesn't have the time to linger with this one person. There are roads to be driven, places to be travelled. Only a few days ago I was laying in an other guy's bed and at this very moment I'm already chatting with another bloke. Most of the time I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore. I find myself chasing the feelings I once felt for my 'preys' without having the time to actually feel them. Maybe I'm scared, scared of being alone after being with someone all these years. Maybe my self-esteem needs to be pampered continuously in order to forget about being 'single'. Or maybe I really do have commitment issues and therefore subconsciously keep myself from settling again. Or maybe I'm just another young girl with unmanageable hormones...
I sometimes wish I was thirteen again. Too young for sex but naive enough to let oneself desperately fall in love. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But it kind of ruins my game... Arguing that once you've had it, you can never again have the excitement, the nerves, the chills, all of those delightful feelings prior to eating the cherry! But then again... The anticipation to the deed is needed to successfully play the game. Why else would one play it?
...
I'll just keep screwing around then.
I remember being in my last year of primary school -I was about eleven years old- when I chose a boy from my class to be with. They were always ignorant of this of course but I pretty much just chose a victim. Little did I know I had picked an extremely smart and sweet boy who decided to devote his life to me. When I ended it after eight months he was devastated. It seemed to take ages before he got over it. I felt terrible but I couldn't help it, my love for him -if you can call it that- was over and I felt the need for a new special person.
Now that I'm all grown up and I've learned how to play the game I'm afraid things might've gotten a bit out of control. The thing is, from the moment I hit puberty and changed my childish thoughts about love into a real attention for the opposite sex, I immediately wanted the unreachable. I didn't care about the boys in my class anymore and started to chase the older guys in school. But when I noticed the age difference was simply too obvious at school and scared these guys away I decided to change the scenery. I started to go for the oldest guys in my local youth movement and after that in the youth club, where I was the youngest visitor at the time. Because I was a little more mature and hung out with much older guys than my girlfriends I became a lot more self-assured. At the age of thirteen I already dared to flirt with guys who were about as old as I am now. I just had to make sure they got to know me before they got to know my age. Get them on the hook, so to speak.
But still, I was a very young and fragile girl and at times my "self-induced amorousness" tended towards fatality. One time I met one of my brother's best friends. We started off chatting online and after about a month I got to meet him in person at some book convention. After our encounter I got even more crazy about him and he filled my head with thoughts and dreams. But we lived pretty far from each other and our attempt to go on a date failed. And then he got together with his best friend... This time Í was the one who was devastated. I had only met him once and in the meantime I had idealized this person and my possible future with him so badly that I ended up being depressed for six months. That experience made me discover the undeniable flaw in my method. Making yourself desperately fall in love with someone is one thing, but once you've dropped the trip there's no turning back...
Despite that one big flaw I kept 'using'. I always reached for the unreachable, the guys of whom I knéw I wanted them but couldn't really have them. It was always a game I had to play, a real struggle to get to the cherry on top of the cake. I've come a long way since then, and year by year the struggle got less of a struggle. What was once a challenging game has become more of a habit. After a while I became more interested in the relationships than the chase. I stayed with a few boyfriends and years went by without even noticing it. And then suddenly I was single again. And after being trapped for years I was dying to get back in the game I used to love so much! But everyone knows what happens when you're really hungry...
You overeat.
Here I am. Laying naked on my bed. Mr. X just left. Games have been played.
Was it hard? -The game? no.
Was it fun? -Sure it was...
But my mind doesn't have the time to linger with this one person. There are roads to be driven, places to be travelled. Only a few days ago I was laying in an other guy's bed and at this very moment I'm already chatting with another bloke. Most of the time I don't even sleep in my own bed anymore. I find myself chasing the feelings I once felt for my 'preys' without having the time to actually feel them. Maybe I'm scared, scared of being alone after being with someone all these years. Maybe my self-esteem needs to be pampered continuously in order to forget about being 'single'. Or maybe I really do have commitment issues and therefore subconsciously keep myself from settling again. Or maybe I'm just another young girl with unmanageable hormones...
I sometimes wish I was thirteen again. Too young for sex but naive enough to let oneself desperately fall in love. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But it kind of ruins my game... Arguing that once you've had it, you can never again have the excitement, the nerves, the chills, all of those delightful feelings prior to eating the cherry! But then again... The anticipation to the deed is needed to successfully play the game. Why else would one play it?
...
I'll just keep screwing around then.
Tuesday 13 April 2010
Unforeseen events
Once in a while I attend a concert without the intention to score any of the bandmembers afterwards. It might not happen a lot but it happens.
This time was one of them. I was going to a concert without any intention other than having a good night out with one of my cousins. As it has become almost like a habit I did plan to go "first-row". What can I say? It's where I feel at home. In order to do so I made sure I got there well on time. At least that's what I thought... I hadn't really taken into account the genre of the bands I was going to see, which was a mixture of hardrock, nu-metal, emo-rock,... However you want to label it, you know the crowd: teenagers, mostly girls, bleached blonde or coloured hair that covers half their face, and all dressed in tight pants - even the non-skinny girls, auwch! So when I got to the venue there was already a big bunch of these girls who, when the doors were finally opened, turned into these mad, screaming, tiny things pushing their way in. But as determined as I was I dared to join the crowd, and I still managed to grab my first-row place.
I enjoyed the concert but the headliner managed to disappoint me a little. I think their ego's might have gotten in the way of putting on a great show. The support act on the other hand AMAZED me! I had done a little pre-listening at home and thought very little of them before but when they got on stage they blew me away. Such an energetic show! You could see they really enjoyed what they did. And I've gotta tell you... they sure knew how to spin their mic's around too. Well done guys, you made me like emo-core!
After the show we saw one of the vocalists of the support act at the merchandise stand. It was the popular one... He looked like the last person you would picture me with: a bleached blonde emo-ish looking guy with tight trousers. But after watching him perform he intrigued me and this quiet voice inside me said "why not? everyone wants him", which is probably what triggered it... He was so popular among the girls -and boys for that matter- that I wanted to have that trophy on display! My cousin was one of these emo-type girl fans and she got her shoe signed along with all the other girls. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less about some signature -let alone getting one on my shoe! Surrounded by these young girls I got in front of him, brought my lips to his ear and boldly asked if he was "planning on getting laid tonight". He had been pretty generous with the sexual gestures on stage so I figured this wouldn't be to direct. And I was right -again. He responded with a smile and a smooth "always" and asked me to hang out for a bit. My cousin couldn't believe what was happening. Her parents were already at the venue to pick her up so she had to leave me there with one of her own idols.
I hung out with the guy while he was signing stuff and taking pictures with fans. In between we planned our little rendez-vous. He clipped an all-access pass to my jeans and we continued our search for a place backstage. It was obvious he didn't want it to be too public and everytime we went somewhere one of us would go first and the other would follow a few seconds later -like people wouldn't notice that... We ended up in some kind of storage room. Not thé most pleasant place at first sight but because it was all so sneaky and exciting it actually made it even better.
What happened next was one of -if not thé- best one night stands I ever had. Somehow this bleached blonde emo-ish guy got me all turned on. It all went very smooth, very hard and very dirty. This guy made real dirty love and I loved it. I went down on him and I had my silent moment of astonishment when I noticed his incredibly big balls. Afterwards we quickly fixed our clothes, hair and make-up and before I knew it we were back in the bar. The only people left were some crew members so I grabbed a drink from the abandoned bar. I enjoyed my cold free drink and we sat down at the merch stand. He loved talking and asked me loads of questions. During that whole evening there hadn't been a single moment of awkwardness and we got on suprisingly well! I guess opposites sometimes do actually attract... We exchanged contact info for future acquaintances. I didn't even know his name and we both laughed when I had to ask him about it. This was definitely a first for both of us. I walked out the venue feeling confident and liberated.
It's been a few months since that evening but sometimes when we're both alone at night we still end up chatting and keeping the memory alive. Who knows when our paths might cross again?
This time was one of them. I was going to a concert without any intention other than having a good night out with one of my cousins. As it has become almost like a habit I did plan to go "first-row". What can I say? It's where I feel at home. In order to do so I made sure I got there well on time. At least that's what I thought... I hadn't really taken into account the genre of the bands I was going to see, which was a mixture of hardrock, nu-metal, emo-rock,... However you want to label it, you know the crowd: teenagers, mostly girls, bleached blonde or coloured hair that covers half their face, and all dressed in tight pants - even the non-skinny girls, auwch! So when I got to the venue there was already a big bunch of these girls who, when the doors were finally opened, turned into these mad, screaming, tiny things pushing their way in. But as determined as I was I dared to join the crowd, and I still managed to grab my first-row place.
I enjoyed the concert but the headliner managed to disappoint me a little. I think their ego's might have gotten in the way of putting on a great show. The support act on the other hand AMAZED me! I had done a little pre-listening at home and thought very little of them before but when they got on stage they blew me away. Such an energetic show! You could see they really enjoyed what they did. And I've gotta tell you... they sure knew how to spin their mic's around too. Well done guys, you made me like emo-core!
After the show we saw one of the vocalists of the support act at the merchandise stand. It was the popular one... He looked like the last person you would picture me with: a bleached blonde emo-ish looking guy with tight trousers. But after watching him perform he intrigued me and this quiet voice inside me said "why not? everyone wants him", which is probably what triggered it... He was so popular among the girls -and boys for that matter- that I wanted to have that trophy on display! My cousin was one of these emo-type girl fans and she got her shoe signed along with all the other girls. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less about some signature -let alone getting one on my shoe! Surrounded by these young girls I got in front of him, brought my lips to his ear and boldly asked if he was "planning on getting laid tonight". He had been pretty generous with the sexual gestures on stage so I figured this wouldn't be to direct. And I was right -again. He responded with a smile and a smooth "always" and asked me to hang out for a bit. My cousin couldn't believe what was happening. Her parents were already at the venue to pick her up so she had to leave me there with one of her own idols.
I hung out with the guy while he was signing stuff and taking pictures with fans. In between we planned our little rendez-vous. He clipped an all-access pass to my jeans and we continued our search for a place backstage. It was obvious he didn't want it to be too public and everytime we went somewhere one of us would go first and the other would follow a few seconds later -like people wouldn't notice that... We ended up in some kind of storage room. Not thé most pleasant place at first sight but because it was all so sneaky and exciting it actually made it even better.
What happened next was one of -if not thé- best one night stands I ever had. Somehow this bleached blonde emo-ish guy got me all turned on. It all went very smooth, very hard and very dirty. This guy made real dirty love and I loved it. I went down on him and I had my silent moment of astonishment when I noticed his incredibly big balls. Afterwards we quickly fixed our clothes, hair and make-up and before I knew it we were back in the bar. The only people left were some crew members so I grabbed a drink from the abandoned bar. I enjoyed my cold free drink and we sat down at the merch stand. He loved talking and asked me loads of questions. During that whole evening there hadn't been a single moment of awkwardness and we got on suprisingly well! I guess opposites sometimes do actually attract... We exchanged contact info for future acquaintances. I didn't even know his name and we both laughed when I had to ask him about it. This was definitely a first for both of us. I walked out the venue feeling confident and liberated.
It's been a few months since that evening but sometimes when we're both alone at night we still end up chatting and keeping the memory alive. Who knows when our paths might cross again?
Friday 2 April 2010
The perfect substitute
A few nights ago I was sitting at home thinking about what I was going to do that night when suddenly I got a text-message from Mr. X., asking me if I was home. Knowing the possibility of him arriving every second my heart skipped a beat and I jumped up and immediately made sure my room was guest-friendly. I got all excited again and I raced around the room, getting rid of any rubbish laying around. I dimmed the lights, sat down again and with my cell phone laying before me I waited. Meanwhile my friends were asking me if I would join them for a drink. Because I wouldn't want to miss out on Mr. X I lingered and kept waiting for a response or for my doorbell to ring. But minutes turned into an hour and still nothing happened so I decided I couldn't keep waiting forever and went off to see my friends. We went to some bar but again I couldn't stop thinking about him, I felt somewhat depressed and disappointed and I struggled to hide this from my friends.
Finally, after a few beers, I started to have some fun. To take my mind off things I looked around for some toys to play with. I noticed this one guy who was dancing at the other side of the dance floor. He noticed me as well and some long-distance 'flirting' went on for a while but neither of us really acted on it.
Later that night I was sitting at a table with my friends, talking to some Swedish man. He wasn't of much interest to me so I decided to go back to the dance hall and look for the guy I had been flirting with. Instead I found something way better! I was just standing there, looking around when this hot -and I mean HOT- long-haired Argentinian starts telling me how much he liked the music. He seemed to be naturally ecstatic and he looked smokin'! We started dancing and I felt right at place. He was absolutely gorgeous! He was quite tall and slim and his face was friendly, cute and handsome at the same time. When he kissed me I was in heaven. He was so cute, so hot, and so damn freakin' horny you wouldn't believe it! To top it off I found out he studied architecture, this really seemed too good to be true. While we were dancing he held me tight to his body, while whispering things in my ear like "I want to kiss you everywhere, all night long. You taste so good". Together with his cute accent this really turned me on... But oh, the timing couldn't be worse! I just got my period so I figured I wouldn't be getting any that night. But still, I wasn't ready to let go of this Argentinian just yet... We kept on dancing and making out and eventually my friends left without me.
A few minutes later we decided to leave as well, since it was almost 6 in the morning. He didn't live very far from me so we ended up walking home together. On the way home he took me to a place I'd never been before. It was absolutely beautiful. There was a small bridge with benches that watched over the still water. The lighting was soft and the place was extremely peaceful... We sat down and made out in the moonlight and if I hadn't stopped him we would've done it right then and there. And believe me, if I hadn't had my period I would've! But I said we couldn't and we walked on.
When we got to his building he pulled me inside the hallway and started kissing me again. This time he was really determined. Oh, how I love a man who knows what he wants and takes it! I really couldn't stop him anymore and before I knew it we were doing all these dirty things right in his hallway. And -oh,- this guy knew exactly which buttons to push... Although we didn't have extensive sex it was fairly obvious that he was into some kinky stuff. I think we could get along pretty well - although he might be a bit too much for me. But since I left without giving away my name nor phone number -neither seemed to be necessary- I'll probably never find out...
I can tell you one thing, I had forgotten all about Mr. X.
Or at least for a few hours...
Thursday 25 March 2010
Me and L: the story continues
You all know the feeling. You just had an amazing time, did something crazy or something extraordinary happened to you and it all seems like a dream. But eventually you have to acknowledge the fact that it really happened and you have to get back to real life. So here's what happened after my incredible experience...
I'm a good liar, in fact I'm a very good liar. But when it comes to love and relationships I just have to tell the truth. Since this case felt so extreme, it turned out to be far too challenging and simply too obvious to keep it all from my boyfriend. Almost immediately when we got home from the concert the whole thing came out. How the conversation had progressed, how L had gotten closer, the things he had said to me,... Though I did let out to mention the details of the kissing... Well, it seemed like I had shared enough. He didn't have to know I was that into it, I wanted as little trouble as possible. He didn't get very angry and did his best to get over it. Little by little all of our friends got to hear what happened and that particular band had become a banned subject among friends whenever my boyfriend was present. It took a while before everyone had forgotten about the whole thing but eventually they did. Once in a while someone would still make a joke about it, and up until this day this still happens. It doesn't bug me, why would it... To be honest I don't have any regrets and above all it turned out to be one of the best things that happened to me so far.
Not telling my boyfriend, I kept in touch with L. About a year after the incident I finally broke up with my boyfriend. The relationship had gotten far to serious and I had felt trapped for over 6 months, always thinking about ways to get out. Of course there's only one way: it ain't pretty, it ain't nice, but no-one should ever postpone it! So after all those months of imagining our break-up I practically had the complete scenario in my head and I knew I had to go crazy.
Meanwhile I had started chatting with L again, and so the story continues... -without a boyfriend this time! L told me he was on promo-tour in Europe and asked me if we could do something together. I was excited as hell! I would actually be celebrating my high school graduation with a rockstar! But -sigh- as he found out about 2 weeks later he wasn't coming to my country after all. He would be in Paris instead. It was a huge disappointment...
Luckily the story ain't over yet!
Apparently, he wanted to see me so badly that he asked me to come to Paris with him. He would take care of all my travel expenses. A free trip to Paris, leaving the day of my very last high school examination... HELL YEAH! This was even better!
The day before my last exam I had trouble concentrating. My mind was completely occupied with L and Paris and eventually I gave up studying. The next morning I took one of the worst exams ever. Fortunately it didn't matter anyway, I still managed to graduate with great honour. And besides, nothing could've ruined my day! I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life. A few hours later I got off the train in Paris -Paris!Paris!Paris! It was a beautiful hot summer's day and I still had a few hours before I would meet L in the hotel lounge. I decided to take a walk in the city. Ecstatic as I was I pranced on the boulevards and I bought a bottle of Libertine absinthe at "la Fée Verte", which was the first specialized absinthe boutique ever.
Around 4p.m. I got to the hotel. I was sitting in the lounge, waiting for L who was doing some interviews somewhere in the city. I was really nervous, it had been quite some time since I had met him at the concert and I was wondering how we would be spending the many hours we had to ourselves. Suddenly they came in: L, the other guitarist and a few other people (probably from some magazine). He took me up to his room where we dropped off our bags. He had to do some more interviews in the hotel so I stayed in the room to rest for a bit. I listened to some music on my iPod and was laying on the bed. He had left some rock magazines on the bed with some articles about him and his band and I checked them out. Being pretty beat from the trip I tried to get some sleep...
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Only a few minutes after closing my eyes I heard someone knocking on the door. Them again, they had to do the rest of the interviews in the hotel room. I didn't mind, I was excited to witness yet another aspect of rockstar-life! One interviewer was really nervous, I felt sorry for him, poor guy, he probably never met one of his idols before... When they were done with all of the responsibilities we left the hotel -"we" being me, L and the other guitarist. We took the subway and after our first stop the other guitarist went his own way to go to his girlfriend, who apparently lived in the city. And thus the moment had arrived, I was finally alone with L again...
We went to see the Eiffel Tower -cheesy right? But I loved it! At that moment I probably wouldn't have mind enduring every cheesy-romantic thing that has been invented. It all felt a bit like a fairytale -oh I just love idealizing this stuff...I really shouldn't though... We lay next to each other on the green grass with some booze to accompany us. And while having a great view of the Eiffel Tower I lit a joint. Mmm, I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. We chatted about lots of things and lay there until it was completely dark. Afterwards we went to some Chinese restaurant and had a nice dinner, though L had numerous remarks about the food. Spoiled rockstars... Even the hotel room wasn't good enough for him! (it happened to be the nicest one I had ever been in...)
We headed back to the hotel and L took a shower while he let me listen to their new album, which wasn't even the finished version. The album wouldn't be in stores for another six months or so. Looking back at that moment it reminds me a lot of a section in Pamela Des Barres' "I'm with the band" when she listens to the new Led Zeppelin album in a hotel room together with Jimmy Page. Just as he had asked her to give some feedback, L asked to do the same and I was happy to do so. I told him I thought there were too many slow fragments in it and that the songs were simply too long. (After a few more listenings back home I had to adjust my opinion and it even became my favorite album). After the listening and my criticism L put on "Thriller" by Fall Out Boy - I don't think I have to tell you that this surprised me, coming from a power metal guitarist - but I really didn't give a damn about what music he put on. After all I still couldn't believe I was laying on a bed in a hotel room in the centre of Paris! L laid himself next to me and we talked some more. Then finally he kissed me. Soft and slow at first, but very nice and as he continued I could feel his warm hands on my body and it all got pretty intense (though there wasn't any penetration involved). The only thing that "bothered" me was that he was circumcised, there was absolutely nothing left to deal with and that seems to be something I tend to miss. Afterwards I pulled myself against him and rested my head on his chest. To my disappointment he just lay there, not putting his arm around be, not playing with my hair nor kissing me softly on the forehead. Just like that I fell back on the ground, bye bye fairytale...
I went to the bathroom to freshen up and put on my red satin nightie with lace on the sides -specially brought for the occasion of course. I thought I might as well make sure I looked pretty, hoping he would still get crazy about me. When I got back he didn't say anything either but I sure liked the look on his face when he noticed my garments. I crawled under the covers and we pretty much just lay there for a while before we fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up with a very bad hangover. I took a shower and we packed our belongings and went to the station where L had to catch his train. He kissed me goodbye, stepped on the escalator and a few seconds later he was gone... I still had an hour or three before my train arrived so I decided to make them count. I went back to the centre and had some breakfast outside a little bistrot. Feeling much better I felt like I could take on the whole world again! I grabbed my map and started my search for Père Lachaise, the well-known cemetery. I really didn't have much time left but I had a mission: I had to see Jim Morrison's grave before I went back home! I really had to hurry and when I finally got there I had just about fifteen minutes to look around, which is really sparse if you consider the size of the cemetery. But I was determined to find it and with The Doors accompanying me on my iPod I finally got there. I could only afford about five minutes of my time so I kneeled down and intensely listened to his music while trying to take all of the sacred place in me. I wouldn't ever want to forget that moment...
When my five minutes were over I hurried back to the railway station to catch my train and go homeward. I felt extremely satisfied and couldn't wait to tell everyone about my magical adventure.
My summer couldn't have begun any better!
I'm a good liar, in fact I'm a very good liar. But when it comes to love and relationships I just have to tell the truth. Since this case felt so extreme, it turned out to be far too challenging and simply too obvious to keep it all from my boyfriend. Almost immediately when we got home from the concert the whole thing came out. How the conversation had progressed, how L had gotten closer, the things he had said to me,... Though I did let out to mention the details of the kissing... Well, it seemed like I had shared enough. He didn't have to know I was that into it, I wanted as little trouble as possible. He didn't get very angry and did his best to get over it. Little by little all of our friends got to hear what happened and that particular band had become a banned subject among friends whenever my boyfriend was present. It took a while before everyone had forgotten about the whole thing but eventually they did. Once in a while someone would still make a joke about it, and up until this day this still happens. It doesn't bug me, why would it... To be honest I don't have any regrets and above all it turned out to be one of the best things that happened to me so far.
Not telling my boyfriend, I kept in touch with L. About a year after the incident I finally broke up with my boyfriend. The relationship had gotten far to serious and I had felt trapped for over 6 months, always thinking about ways to get out. Of course there's only one way: it ain't pretty, it ain't nice, but no-one should ever postpone it! So after all those months of imagining our break-up I practically had the complete scenario in my head and I knew I had to go crazy.
Meanwhile I had started chatting with L again, and so the story continues... -without a boyfriend this time! L told me he was on promo-tour in Europe and asked me if we could do something together. I was excited as hell! I would actually be celebrating my high school graduation with a rockstar! But -sigh- as he found out about 2 weeks later he wasn't coming to my country after all. He would be in Paris instead. It was a huge disappointment...
Luckily the story ain't over yet!
Apparently, he wanted to see me so badly that he asked me to come to Paris with him. He would take care of all my travel expenses. A free trip to Paris, leaving the day of my very last high school examination... HELL YEAH! This was even better!
The day before my last exam I had trouble concentrating. My mind was completely occupied with L and Paris and eventually I gave up studying. The next morning I took one of the worst exams ever. Fortunately it didn't matter anyway, I still managed to graduate with great honour. And besides, nothing could've ruined my day! I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life. A few hours later I got off the train in Paris -Paris!Paris!Paris! It was a beautiful hot summer's day and I still had a few hours before I would meet L in the hotel lounge. I decided to take a walk in the city. Ecstatic as I was I pranced on the boulevards and I bought a bottle of Libertine absinthe at "la Fée Verte", which was the first specialized absinthe boutique ever.
Around 4p.m. I got to the hotel. I was sitting in the lounge, waiting for L who was doing some interviews somewhere in the city. I was really nervous, it had been quite some time since I had met him at the concert and I was wondering how we would be spending the many hours we had to ourselves. Suddenly they came in: L, the other guitarist and a few other people (probably from some magazine). He took me up to his room where we dropped off our bags. He had to do some more interviews in the hotel so I stayed in the room to rest for a bit. I listened to some music on my iPod and was laying on the bed. He had left some rock magazines on the bed with some articles about him and his band and I checked them out. Being pretty beat from the trip I tried to get some sleep...
*KNOCK KNOCK*
Only a few minutes after closing my eyes I heard someone knocking on the door. Them again, they had to do the rest of the interviews in the hotel room. I didn't mind, I was excited to witness yet another aspect of rockstar-life! One interviewer was really nervous, I felt sorry for him, poor guy, he probably never met one of his idols before... When they were done with all of the responsibilities we left the hotel -"we" being me, L and the other guitarist. We took the subway and after our first stop the other guitarist went his own way to go to his girlfriend, who apparently lived in the city. And thus the moment had arrived, I was finally alone with L again...
We went to see the Eiffel Tower -cheesy right? But I loved it! At that moment I probably wouldn't have mind enduring every cheesy-romantic thing that has been invented. It all felt a bit like a fairytale -oh I just love idealizing this stuff...I really shouldn't though... We lay next to each other on the green grass with some booze to accompany us. And while having a great view of the Eiffel Tower I lit a joint. Mmm, I don't think I'll ever forget that moment. We chatted about lots of things and lay there until it was completely dark. Afterwards we went to some Chinese restaurant and had a nice dinner, though L had numerous remarks about the food. Spoiled rockstars... Even the hotel room wasn't good enough for him! (it happened to be the nicest one I had ever been in...)
We headed back to the hotel and L took a shower while he let me listen to their new album, which wasn't even the finished version. The album wouldn't be in stores for another six months or so. Looking back at that moment it reminds me a lot of a section in Pamela Des Barres' "I'm with the band" when she listens to the new Led Zeppelin album in a hotel room together with Jimmy Page. Just as he had asked her to give some feedback, L asked to do the same and I was happy to do so. I told him I thought there were too many slow fragments in it and that the songs were simply too long. (After a few more listenings back home I had to adjust my opinion and it even became my favorite album). After the listening and my criticism L put on "Thriller" by Fall Out Boy - I don't think I have to tell you that this surprised me, coming from a power metal guitarist - but I really didn't give a damn about what music he put on. After all I still couldn't believe I was laying on a bed in a hotel room in the centre of Paris! L laid himself next to me and we talked some more. Then finally he kissed me. Soft and slow at first, but very nice and as he continued I could feel his warm hands on my body and it all got pretty intense (though there wasn't any penetration involved). The only thing that "bothered" me was that he was circumcised, there was absolutely nothing left to deal with and that seems to be something I tend to miss. Afterwards I pulled myself against him and rested my head on his chest. To my disappointment he just lay there, not putting his arm around be, not playing with my hair nor kissing me softly on the forehead. Just like that I fell back on the ground, bye bye fairytale...
I went to the bathroom to freshen up and put on my red satin nightie with lace on the sides -specially brought for the occasion of course. I thought I might as well make sure I looked pretty, hoping he would still get crazy about me. When I got back he didn't say anything either but I sure liked the look on his face when he noticed my garments. I crawled under the covers and we pretty much just lay there for a while before we fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up with a very bad hangover. I took a shower and we packed our belongings and went to the station where L had to catch his train. He kissed me goodbye, stepped on the escalator and a few seconds later he was gone... I still had an hour or three before my train arrived so I decided to make them count. I went back to the centre and had some breakfast outside a little bistrot. Feeling much better I felt like I could take on the whole world again! I grabbed my map and started my search for Père Lachaise, the well-known cemetery. I really didn't have much time left but I had a mission: I had to see Jim Morrison's grave before I went back home! I really had to hurry and when I finally got there I had just about fifteen minutes to look around, which is really sparse if you consider the size of the cemetery. But I was determined to find it and with The Doors accompanying me on my iPod I finally got there. I could only afford about five minutes of my time so I kneeled down and intensely listened to his music while trying to take all of the sacred place in me. I wouldn't ever want to forget that moment...
When my five minutes were over I hurried back to the railway station to catch my train and go homeward. I felt extremely satisfied and couldn't wait to tell everyone about my magical adventure.
My summer couldn't have begun any better!
Tuesday 23 March 2010
Mr. X
I've already told you some of the stories of my past. Now I'd like to share a little bit of my present with you.
These past few weeks I've been attending some rehearsals of a new band a few of my friends play in. It's a really groovy reggae/ska band and I really love their sound. It's quite a generation-crossing band, 3 of them are in their 20's and the other 3 are already over 35. One of the latter is the lead singer and guitarist. During the past few weeks we've been chatting and I got to know him a bit better. It didn't take long for me to develop some feelings for him. But unfortunately there's a big catch to this gorgeous 38-year old man... Not only is he married, he has kids as well! Not two things I wish for in a man...
But as it turns out, he hasn't always been faithful to his wife. Although he has broader moral standings, they have a monogamous relationship. I've talked about this with him when he was with me last week. He came to pick me up to go to a concert of a band two of the other band members play in -the two friends I know. He told me his wife wouldn't want to have any sort of open relationship. He therefore reasons it's best for everyone if he slips once in a while and keeps his mouth shut. Not thé best solution if you ask me...
The past two weeks he made it obvious he wouldn't mind getting closer to me. At first my natural reaction was to hold back and just have a talk with him to begin with -which I described above. But this week I came to realize I couldn't stop thinking about him... My feelings started to overrule ratio and I longed for the next rehearsal, which was in fact today.
When I left tonight I felt a bit nervous, I guess you could call it love-sick... While getting off on that marvelous feeling I deeply enjoyed their music. They ended with a groovy reggae jam and I passionately enjoyed S's beautiful guitar solo. After the rehearsal I left with Mr. X and my two friends as usual. He dropped S. and T. off and we drove to my place. I asked him if he'd like to come in for a drink to which he agreed. "One drink". I got us two cold beers, put on some delightful Led Zeppelin and lit some candles to create a pleasant environment. He was laying on my bed and pulled me next to him with his strong hands. We started cuddling and it felt good to be in the arms of a real strong man -the guys I've been with before have always been slightly slender. He uttered silent moans when he pressed me tight against his body. We started kissing -to be honest he's not the best kisser I know but enjoyable nevertheless. I can always appreciate some variation...
We didn't go all the way but according to him I gave him the most miraculous blowjob he ever had. I made him come twice and he was beat. He couldn't stop telling me how good I was and he mentioned he wished I could tell his wife how I did what I did... I have to confess, that was maybe a bit too good for my ego...
We shared the after-sex-cigarette and snuggled for a while. Then he had to leave, he didn't want to be home too late, to beat any suspicion. I wished he could stay longer so I could lie in those strong arms for the rest of the night. But I couldn't blame him for leaving...
I don't know what the future will bring... I wonder if I'll start feeling guilty if this would happen more than once. I wonder if I'll feel more like "the other woman" than a groupie, though I don't think being a groupie to this man really satisfies me. I'm afraid I wouldn't want to share this gorgeous man, except with his wife of course, *sigh...
These past few weeks I've been attending some rehearsals of a new band a few of my friends play in. It's a really groovy reggae/ska band and I really love their sound. It's quite a generation-crossing band, 3 of them are in their 20's and the other 3 are already over 35. One of the latter is the lead singer and guitarist. During the past few weeks we've been chatting and I got to know him a bit better. It didn't take long for me to develop some feelings for him. But unfortunately there's a big catch to this gorgeous 38-year old man... Not only is he married, he has kids as well! Not two things I wish for in a man...
But as it turns out, he hasn't always been faithful to his wife. Although he has broader moral standings, they have a monogamous relationship. I've talked about this with him when he was with me last week. He came to pick me up to go to a concert of a band two of the other band members play in -the two friends I know. He told me his wife wouldn't want to have any sort of open relationship. He therefore reasons it's best for everyone if he slips once in a while and keeps his mouth shut. Not thé best solution if you ask me...
The past two weeks he made it obvious he wouldn't mind getting closer to me. At first my natural reaction was to hold back and just have a talk with him to begin with -which I described above. But this week I came to realize I couldn't stop thinking about him... My feelings started to overrule ratio and I longed for the next rehearsal, which was in fact today.
When I left tonight I felt a bit nervous, I guess you could call it love-sick... While getting off on that marvelous feeling I deeply enjoyed their music. They ended with a groovy reggae jam and I passionately enjoyed S's beautiful guitar solo. After the rehearsal I left with Mr. X and my two friends as usual. He dropped S. and T. off and we drove to my place. I asked him if he'd like to come in for a drink to which he agreed. "One drink". I got us two cold beers, put on some delightful Led Zeppelin and lit some candles to create a pleasant environment. He was laying on my bed and pulled me next to him with his strong hands. We started cuddling and it felt good to be in the arms of a real strong man -the guys I've been with before have always been slightly slender. He uttered silent moans when he pressed me tight against his body. We started kissing -to be honest he's not the best kisser I know but enjoyable nevertheless. I can always appreciate some variation...
We didn't go all the way but according to him I gave him the most miraculous blowjob he ever had. I made him come twice and he was beat. He couldn't stop telling me how good I was and he mentioned he wished I could tell his wife how I did what I did... I have to confess, that was maybe a bit too good for my ego...
We shared the after-sex-cigarette and snuggled for a while. Then he had to leave, he didn't want to be home too late, to beat any suspicion. I wished he could stay longer so I could lie in those strong arms for the rest of the night. But I couldn't blame him for leaving...
I don't know what the future will bring... I wonder if I'll start feeling guilty if this would happen more than once. I wonder if I'll feel more like "the other woman" than a groupie, though I don't think being a groupie to this man really satisfies me. I'm afraid I wouldn't want to share this gorgeous man, except with his wife of course, *sigh...
Friday 12 March 2010
Me, L and the tour-bus
I'm going to make a huge jump from when I was 10 to when I was 16 and take you with me on my groupie-trip. The story starts off in the summer of 2006. I went to a festival and got to see one of my favorite metalbands from the first row for the very first time. The band was -and still is- a popular power metal band and they tour all over the world. I was really excited and really got into it with every fiber of my being. My boyfriend was standing somewhere behind me but at that point I couldn't care less about him. The world had stopped spinning and there was only me and the band. At the end of the show I caught a guitar pick from one of the guitarists, I don't remember which one -at that time I had yet to discover the magic that can happen between a musician and the audience. Unfortunately it was very hard to hold on to the pick, everyone near me tried to take it out of my hand and eventually a security guy who was watching the chaos took the matter in his hands and simply took the pick from all of us and gave it to a random chick. Just like that. I was furious, I knew I was the one that had caught it, it belonged to me, me, me! But it was too late... The whole thing had completely ruined my day, I had trouble enjoying the shows I watched after that and felt sad -all because of a stupid guitar pick!
When I got back home from the festival I still hadn't forgotten the whole pick-event and in my disappointment I searched the band's site for a way to contact them. I was in luck! At that time each bandmember's email was displayed on the site so I sent a message to each guitarist telling them the story of the guitar pick while trying to present myself as 'enjoyable' as I could. Apparently my efforts had paid off 'cause a few days later I received a reply from one of the guitarists telling me we could meet when they'd be back for the next tour.
A few months later I went to their concert with my boyfriend and some friends. The guitarist -let's call him "L" from now on- sent me a text telling me I could meet him before the show and he would meet me at the tour-bus in a few minutes. So I left my friends at the warm-up show, went to the bus and waited. He'd be right there... I was nervous as hell! When he showed up and greeted me it felt kinda weird. I immediately regretted putting on heels when I saw he wasn't very tall. The second thing that hit me was the British accent, ahh lovely! When a guy plays guitar ánd has a British accent he "tops my charts"! We got on the bus and he started off by giving me a little "tour" on the tour-bus. I can remember this part vividly. You may have seen a tourbus in a documentary or on TV but to really know what it's like you'd have to get on one. It's the attempt to squeeze every room of a house in a bus, and -believe me- it's not the most pleasant way to live, but it's a great experience nevertheless. He said I could 'try his bunk' if I wanted, but I respectfully declined (ironically this felt like cheap idiotic groupie-shit I didn't want to participate in). We went to sit in the lounge and he offered me a drink. Then we talked about silly stuff, which was pretty much small talk to get to where he wanted to -and secretly where I wanted to end up too... He played with my hair and told me how much he wanted to kiss me. This was a shot I didn't want to miss. Boyfriend or not, I let him kiss me. It wasn't soft or cautious, it was more of a nice, firm "I want you here and now"-kiss and I liked it! When he didn't stop I figured he probably wanted to go further, even though he had to get on stage real soon. But apparently that thought was enough to make me feel guilty and I said:"Shouldn't you be getting ready by now?". He said he probably should and acted like a gentleman. In just a few seconds we were back outside. He went backstage and I went back to my friends, feeling really weird... The warm-up show was already over. I decided to say as little as possible about what had happened. Of course I had to say some things 'cause my friends were interested in the conversation I'd had with L so I told them the silly things we had talked about. I struggled, trying to act completely normal and look like nothing had happened. I couldn't help thinking that a few minutes earlier I was making out with this amazing guy on a tour-bus! When the concert started I was relieved I no longer had to talk about it. But of course there was still L... On stage and right in front of me, my friends AND MY BOYFRIEND!
We were standing at the second or third row and L and I had a lot of eye contact. I enjoyed it and my friends smiled at me when they saw us 'communicating'. At some point L and the other guitarist were goofing around and obviously pointing at me. My friends noticed this and I started to realise that it wouldn't be that far-fetched for them -and my boyfriend(!)- to think that there might have happened something on that bus. Suddenly I didn't feel so good and panicked. At some point I almost fainted, fortunately I got myself back together after a drink. But I couldn't look L in the eye anymore. The rest of the concert felt more or less like a torture. The whole evening was going through my mind together with all of the possible talks I would be having with my boyfriend if he would find out what had happened.
When the concert was finally over we went to get some drinks at the bar. It didn't take too long for the conversation to shift back to the whole "L and the tour-bus event". I said to my friends they could meet him. I was back to my normal self and managed to get all enthusiastic again, like I was before. I texted L and he'd be right out. When he came to us I introduced him to my friends and one of them began a conversation with him about martial arts. L acted very cool and it wasn't awkward. After about fifteen minutes he went to greet some more fans. We said goodbye and went home...
TO BE CONTINUED...
When I got back home from the festival I still hadn't forgotten the whole pick-event and in my disappointment I searched the band's site for a way to contact them. I was in luck! At that time each bandmember's email was displayed on the site so I sent a message to each guitarist telling them the story of the guitar pick while trying to present myself as 'enjoyable' as I could. Apparently my efforts had paid off 'cause a few days later I received a reply from one of the guitarists telling me we could meet when they'd be back for the next tour.
A few months later I went to their concert with my boyfriend and some friends. The guitarist -let's call him "L" from now on- sent me a text telling me I could meet him before the show and he would meet me at the tour-bus in a few minutes. So I left my friends at the warm-up show, went to the bus and waited. He'd be right there... I was nervous as hell! When he showed up and greeted me it felt kinda weird. I immediately regretted putting on heels when I saw he wasn't very tall. The second thing that hit me was the British accent, ahh lovely! When a guy plays guitar ánd has a British accent he "tops my charts"! We got on the bus and he started off by giving me a little "tour" on the tour-bus. I can remember this part vividly. You may have seen a tourbus in a documentary or on TV but to really know what it's like you'd have to get on one. It's the attempt to squeeze every room of a house in a bus, and -believe me- it's not the most pleasant way to live, but it's a great experience nevertheless. He said I could 'try his bunk' if I wanted, but I respectfully declined (ironically this felt like cheap idiotic groupie-shit I didn't want to participate in). We went to sit in the lounge and he offered me a drink. Then we talked about silly stuff, which was pretty much small talk to get to where he wanted to -and secretly where I wanted to end up too... He played with my hair and told me how much he wanted to kiss me. This was a shot I didn't want to miss. Boyfriend or not, I let him kiss me. It wasn't soft or cautious, it was more of a nice, firm "I want you here and now"-kiss and I liked it! When he didn't stop I figured he probably wanted to go further, even though he had to get on stage real soon. But apparently that thought was enough to make me feel guilty and I said:"Shouldn't you be getting ready by now?". He said he probably should and acted like a gentleman. In just a few seconds we were back outside. He went backstage and I went back to my friends, feeling really weird... The warm-up show was already over. I decided to say as little as possible about what had happened. Of course I had to say some things 'cause my friends were interested in the conversation I'd had with L so I told them the silly things we had talked about. I struggled, trying to act completely normal and look like nothing had happened. I couldn't help thinking that a few minutes earlier I was making out with this amazing guy on a tour-bus! When the concert started I was relieved I no longer had to talk about it. But of course there was still L... On stage and right in front of me, my friends AND MY BOYFRIEND!
We were standing at the second or third row and L and I had a lot of eye contact. I enjoyed it and my friends smiled at me when they saw us 'communicating'. At some point L and the other guitarist were goofing around and obviously pointing at me. My friends noticed this and I started to realise that it wouldn't be that far-fetched for them -and my boyfriend(!)- to think that there might have happened something on that bus. Suddenly I didn't feel so good and panicked. At some point I almost fainted, fortunately I got myself back together after a drink. But I couldn't look L in the eye anymore. The rest of the concert felt more or less like a torture. The whole evening was going through my mind together with all of the possible talks I would be having with my boyfriend if he would find out what had happened.
When the concert was finally over we went to get some drinks at the bar. It didn't take too long for the conversation to shift back to the whole "L and the tour-bus event". I said to my friends they could meet him. I was back to my normal self and managed to get all enthusiastic again, like I was before. I texted L and he'd be right out. When he came to us I introduced him to my friends and one of them began a conversation with him about martial arts. L acted very cool and it wasn't awkward. After about fifteen minutes he went to greet some more fans. We said goodbye and went home...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Thursday 11 March 2010
The Zorro experience
As promised, to begin this adventure with you guys, I will tell you the story of my very first meaningful encounter with a musician. Not much to my surprise he was a guitarist -ah, my favourite kind! I believe he was sort of a guest musician at a classical concert my parents dragged me to. The solo cellist of the orchestra was -and still is- a good friend of my parents. At that time, classical music and especially the -oh so boring- concerts my parents dragged me to weren't much of an interest to me. As a matter of fact I actually preferred playing video games and building camps in the forest with my best friend. So when I was running around in the venue after the concert was finished I wasn't expecting to bump into this gorgeous man with long dark locks. He was beautiful and exotic. As he excused him for bumping into me (it was of course my fault 'cause I was running around and not looking out) he smiled at me with his dark friendly eyes and I could see myself melting right in front of him, not knowing what to say. I'm sure my face was tomato red... He reminded me so much of Zorro (the real one, from the old series), which was my absolute childhood love. Everytime I had seen those dark eyes I melted right in front of the TV and in that exact same way I was melting in front of this guy with his guitar...Afterwards, I got a signed picture from him and uttered a shy, almost unhearable "thank you". I could barely look him in the eye. I held on to that picture and for many years it had hung on my wall next to my bed. I have no idea when, how and why I got rid of it but somehow I did, and up until this very moment -I'm not kidding- I had forgotten his name... Mike X.
Of course I googled him now that I remember his name but unfortunately there's not a lot of information on him. Here's a picture I found which resembles the vague image I have in my head. Also, according to what I could find he actually doesn't play the guitar, he plays the lute. But in the end I will always remember him as the man in that picture and the first 'guitarist' I had a crush on...
Wednesday 10 March 2010
To give both of us an idea of what this blog will be about...
When I think about why I'm starting this blog I find that it is in fact quite simple. I want to share my thoughts and actions, my adventures as a young, exploring girl with the unknown, with the wide range of bloggers and followers of this -still pretty new- form of communication. And I hope this journal will also benefit me in the sense that it will help organize my thoughts, help me reflect on my own -and sometimes ridiculously stupid- events.
By now, you're probably wondering what this chick will actually be writing about. Maybe you think it will be about music, since the title -Let's spend the night together- is a song by the Rolling Stones (and splendidly covered by Bowie). If you've managed to think that far, you're almost there. "Let's spend the night together" is also the title of a book written by Pamela Des Barres, who is probably the most notorious groupie. She was an 'original' groupie and a member of the GTO's. She's been with numerous musicians such as the memorable Jim Morrison (The Doors) and Jimmy Page (Led Zeppelin). She is definitely a great inspiration to me. She was one of the first authors who published a book about her intimate relationships with rockstars.
Now that I've explained the background info on the title I'll tell you a bit more about myself and what my intentions are regarding this blog.
As I said before I'm a young girl. Let's say I'm somewhere between the age of 18 and 22 years old. I'm still a student and I go to a university. Like many students I live in the city during the week, so I'm pretty independent (which I like very much). My days consist of classes -which I really, really try to attend, evening dance classes -not many problems attending those, and going out or hanging with friends -love attending those! Many of my friends are musicians and in my free time I absolutely love to attend concerts. Now here comes the interesting part... For some reason I've always been attracted to musicians. Freud-lovers may argue that this is because my father is a musician. That might make sense, but I don't know and I don't really care either. All I know is I love 'em, I love to see bands really rocking out and getting into a groove. I love the smell of their sweat when they really get into it. I love absolutely everything about it. Later on I will share some of the stories about my past meaningful encounters with musicians, starting with the very first -age approximately 10.
Basically what I want to do is keep you posted on my whereabouts and just my thoughts in general regarding the people I meet and the adventures I have when, for example, I'm attending a concert abroad.
So... I hope I made my intentions clear and hopefully some of you will be interested in reading my blog!
So... I hope I made my intentions clear and hopefully some of you will be interested in reading my blog!
Love
Miss Y.
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